Monday, July 31, 2006
Lullabye for One
So I need to be awake in like 3.5 hours and yet I am not sleeping. So I got up to listen to one of my favorite lullabyes by one of my favorite artists, Susan Werner.
LULLABY FOR ONE From: Midwestern Saturday Night (1993) Copyright © Susan Werner
I am my own big brother
And I am my own best friend
I am the songs of my mother
And I am the one I'm depending on
So why lie awake over far away fears
If the good moon should slip out of sight
I'll just lean down and kiss me
And turn out the light
'Cos it's me who can tell me goodnight
The night comes to call on my troubles
He asks for the worries I keep
I give him the weight off my shoulders
I give myself sweet dreams and plenty of sleep
I give myself buckets of laughter
I give myself busloads of kids full of play
I send myself seventy-six dozen roses
I send myself night and I send myself day
So why lie awake over far away fears
If the good moon should slip out of sight
I'll just lean down and kiss me
And turn out the light
'Cos it's me who can tell me goodnight
I am my own big brother
And I am my own best friend
I am the songs of my mother
And I am the one I'm depending on
So why lie awake over far away fears
If the good moon should slip out of sight
I'll just lean down and kiss me
And turn out the light
'Cos it's me who can tell me goodnight
Sweet dreams....
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Haiku Thursday
fairy godmother
thanks for looking out for me
i have much less stress
techs in MRI
you make me feel welcome there
i might stay sane now
biofeedbacking
thinking of good friends and times
kept me in the zone
Ringo Stu Kitty
I love your bonks and your purrs
too damn cute for words
Little Boy Seamus
such a gentle, loving soul
you define sweetness
apartment of mine
please clean yourself for me soon?
no energy here
next electric bill
take pity with ac use
it is too damn hot
the weatherman here
is no joe calhoun, but then
who comes even close?
i miss lancaster
but i love raleigh as well
no liquid shit here
chocolate town, pa
hershey, thanks for the take 5
best candy ever!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Seeing the twins from a new perspective
So today I was helping out in MRI because they have multiple techs out on maternity leave. I had expressed an interest over a year ago in my interview that I would like to crosstrain into MRI if that was a possibility, so I am hoping that this might lead to that. In the meantime Im just there to help out answering the phones, ordering studies, and loaning my body parts. Ok so that wasnt part of the job description, but they asked if I minded and hey, who would turn down a free highly sophisticated scan like that? The one scanner was down for repair and when they got it fixed the first scheduled patient was for a breast scan and they wanted to do a test run before they did her. So they asked to borrow my boobies! 
It was interesting... You lay prone on the table on cushion with holes in it that you put your girls into - sorta like the face thing they have on massage tables. I think the scan was about 20 minutes or so. After it was over I got to see what my breasts look like from the inside out.
The first thing that struck me was just how different the sizes were. I know that every woman's breasts are different sizes, so I figured mine were too, but it was never that obvious to me. Well put em up on a tv screen and it's obvious! The other thing that surprised me was how the nipples dont really look different at all from the rest of the breast. Go figure.
So they burned me a DVD of the scan. How many people can say they have that in their collection? It's not an official scan, they didnt use contrast, but I still have it in case I ever actually have a problem, it's a good baseline to show them.
Help, I need somebody...
So asking for help is probably one of the hardest things for me. I dont want to put my friends out, or make them feel bad if they have to say no. There have also been times when I broke down and asked for something that I just knew I could not do on my own and was turned down and/or it was made very clear what a burden it was too help me.
One of those times that sticks out in my mind was when I was moving out of my apartment in AZ. It was only March, but in AZ that meant that the temp was in the high 90's/low 100's. I always choose the penthouse apartments because "it's the best" (ok Grits, you are a few points shy of a dozen, but I'm only giving out 2 points for getting this one) This penthouse was on the 3rd floor. (currently my penthouse is on the second floor) I had a rented budget truck that was parked right at the bottom of the stairs. I so felt bad about asking for help but I just couldnt get the couch or TV or a few other big things down the stairs alone. It's amazing how many people tell you "if you ever need anything, just let me know" but when it comes to help moving, suddenly everyone is too busy to help. I finally begged and got a friend to give me exactly one hour of her time. Together we got the few big things down in that time and then off she went. All of the rest of my stuff (and you realize just how much stuff you have when youre carrying it down two flights of stairs in 105 degree weather) I had to bring down alone. Being the procrastinator that I am, I was also still packing as I was doing this, and planning on purging alot that I couldnt seem to pack. The purgable stuff I would just pile up outside my door to bring down to the dumpster all at once when I was done.
This was one of the worst days/nights of my life. I think I sweat off 30 lbs, and I got essentially no sleep. I tried to get a few hours in, but of course my mind was to-do listing and I couldnt relax. I was close to having a breakdown. My mom was close to having a breakdown because I kept calling her to try and stave mine off. By 6am I had everything packed, but had 2 giant mountains of stuff that had to go to the dumpster and I just looked at it and started crying. I knew that I just couldnt do it. My leg muscles were jelly and my emotional state was precarious, so I just couldnt do it. About this time I came across 2 women and a young teenage boy who were poking through the dumpster looking for treasures or something. I offered them $20 to carry my stuff down to the dumpster and they were so excited to help. It took them all of 3 minutes for something that would have taken me at least an hour. That was the best $20 I ever spent.
Anyway, my point is, Id often rather pay someone then ask for help. Ive been going through a tough time getting stuff done with this trapped nerve thing and instead of asking for help with grocery shopping, I go to taco bell several days a week. Instead of getting help cleaning the apartment, I just hope that my cats learn to clean. It's just too hard for me to ask for help.
Well now I have a doc appt next Monday that I was told that I had to have a ride home from. Of course this stresses me out. Not because Im nervous about what they are going to do that would prevent me from being able to drive, but because I have to ask for a favor. I broke down and asked 2 friends, and of course they already had plans that day. The one is driving back from out of state that day and said she'd try to make it back in time. So now I feel bad that she felt bad that she couldnt help, and that she's trying to make it work but that probably adds stress to her day, and I hate putting people out.
But Im touched that she is willing to do what she can to help. That gives me definite warm fuzzies. But then another friend of mine popped into my head. She just finished law school, is taking the bar this week, and next week is wide open. I emailed her, and even knowing that she should be available, it still stressed me out to ask. Her reply though? "I'm still thoroughly unemployed, so I would be happy to help you out! Just let me know details."
She has no idea how much that exclamation point means to me. Not just "i can do that if you need me", but happy to help! The relief I feel isnt only because I have a ride, but also because I dont think Im being a burden too.
Between the friend who's willing to try to adjust her whole pre-planned out of state trip and the one who's happy! to help I just realize that I definitely am blessed, and sometimes asking for help isnt the worst thing ever...
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
well crap
I just typed up a long post about why i hadnt posted, and how some of my friends rawk, and it disappeared. Now I dont have time to retype so Im going to just post a quick pic of those friends who rock and maybe Ill retype it all tonight.
Gotta go get a shower!
Ok no picture for now either, blogger is having a problem...
Saturday, July 22, 2006
The best peanut butter and jelly sandwich...
Ok so I didnt really just have one, but I took that from the quote from one of the best 80's movies ever"you want to know what's great? Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...and you know it was my kitchen, it was my refrigerator, it was my apartment, and it was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've had in my entire life"
I just got up to make myself a midnight snack and this quote popped into my head, and it's not the first time. When I had my first apartments I had the exact same feeling.
I say apartments because there was my first with roommates, and then my first that was just mine. Both were great experiences, but very different.
My first apartment was named "Oscar the House". Guess what color it was? And it was on a yellow brick road. Ok, so it was really an alley, and our address was on "Rear" Church Street, but it was still cool. I lived on the second floor in a 3 bedroom place with 4 other roommates above an apartment with 4 fraternity guys. We drew for who got the single room and somehow I got lucky.
I moved in way before everyone else because I was taking summer classes. It was a pretty amazing summer. I cant think of a single bad memory. I loved having my own place. I did ridiculous stuff lake make my own pasta and get up at dawn to make a fabulous breakfast to jazz on Sundays. I had a friend who was a townie that I hung with alot that summer too, and it was a different way to look at a town that I had lived in as only a college student.
My roommates moved in at the end of August and although I missed having the place to my self, I had the best roommates ever. We were all friends from the dorms (yes, the previously mentioned Gordon Hall) and so we were pretty used to each other. Our landlord was a decent guy, not quite the slumlord that many of them are in that college town. When our stove went all wonky he actually bought us a new one. Unfortunately the new one came with a bonus we werent interested in- bugs. The first time we put it on to pre-heat a bajillion bugs started crawling out from under it. I still have nightmares related to that moment. I hid in the living room while my roommate Kip's boyfriend rushed to save the day. He turned the oven off and went to it with a can of bug spray. Unfortunately it was a gas stove that still had a pilot light... From the other room I heard a massive "KABOOM!" I wonder if the hair on Irv's legs ever did grow back? I guess we took the term bug bomb a little too literally! But it did work, no more bugs for us. To quote David Lee Roth in his first solo album- "those were good times, damn good times".
My first non-roommated apartment was when I lived in Arizona. It was a 470 sq ft efficiency, which is just a tiny step up from studio. It was still basically one room, but it was arranged differently so I had basically a bedroom nook and a kitchen area so it was almost like a one bedroom place. When I first moved in I owned a bed and a computer. Oh yeah and a tv/vcr stand and microwave stand, thanks to Sauder. No TV or microwave though. No other furniture. I did have a big rubbermaid storage bin that was a sorta desk. I had my computer on that and sat on the floor. I didnt care though. The day I moved in I did carpet angels I was so happy. (Kinda like snow angels, but in the freshly cleaned carpet instead) Soon after moving in I took a trip to the Salvation army and for less than 150 bucks I got a couch, my bigchair and ottoman, and a fabulous circa 1980 console TV. I still have the bigchair/ottoman and TV. My mom sees the appeal in the bigchair and has helped me make a nice slipcover for it. The TV she just doesnt get. She is consistently encouraging me to get a TV that's younger than a college freshman, but I figure if it works, why get rid of it? Ill never forget the first time she experienced my TV and was staring at the remote trying to figure out how to turn it on. She finally asked and I told her that it was simple- you had to actually get off your ass and pull that button out. Somehow this seems funny as youd think it would be the older generation having to show the younger one how stuff used to work :)
Ive come a long way since those old apartments. My place now is almost 3 times the size of the efficiency. I have a bedroom set that was not a hand me down and an actual couch from the 21st century. (OK it's Ikea, but I like it!) But no matter how many places Ive lived in, or what condition they were in, I always got that great feeling that Wendy had when she made her peanutbutter sandwich.
***first person to name the movie that quote comes from gets 3 points!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Places and Spaces Friday Shuffle
So last friday shuffle I wrote about memories associated with music. This week I was realizing how these songs not only bring me back to a moment in time, they are all very associated with a particular place to me. I have heard most of these songs hundreds of times, but for some reason I still immediately go in my memory to one place. Some were significant, some not so much... 
1. Standing Still - Jewel
Im driving in my shamrock green Hyundai Accent, on the way to a work appointment from back when I was in business to business outside sales.
2. I Want You To Want Me - Letters to Cleo
Again, in the Hyundai, but this time driving to Ohio for a big gathering. There were four of us in that tiny car with all of our stuff, food, gifts for people and 13 fucking cases of Our Lady of Guadalupe candles that someone asked me to bring. ("I have a small gift for everyone, since I cant go, can you bring them?" Small if you drive a hummer maybe, not so small in an accent with all that other stuff in it...) Poor Bethie had lunchmeat on her feet. :)
3. Sweet Surrender - Sarah McLaughlan
Driving the back way to Natick Mall. Not the Accent this time, but a car named "Sister". She was previously owned by a convent.
Put it on and arm yourself for the fight
Our hearts must have the courage
to keep on marching on and on"
5. How - Cranberries
In between two homes I moved back in with my mother for a summer to save up some cash. Before my sister moved back in she had a spare room she called "The Rainbow Room" because that was it's basic decor. That's the room I hung in and that's where this song puts me.
6. Tenderness - General Public
Rutgers Football Field, home of the Scarlet Knights. In high school I was on the color guard- flags. Many of our competitions were on this field. This song and the Hooters "And We Danced" both bring me back to those competitions.
7. Red Rain (Live) - Peter Gabriel
This song puts me in an ex-boyfriend's red Honda. Looking back on that relationship I cant remember why I even liked him that much. It's not that I have any bad feelings towards him, I just cant remember any good ones either. Cept for some of this music...
8. February - Dar Williams
Not reaching too far with this one... This song brings me to that room over there <---. My spare room/office is where I have my desktop computer and where I had all of Dar on a playlist that consistently on for months.
9. Run Run Away - Slade Although this song came out when I was in HS, and I have a small piece of me in the living room of the house we lived in then watching MTV, a bigger part of me is in room 109 Gordon Hall. Home to two of my favorite people in the whole world. One of who, Stacy/Biff is the one who was part of the Pour Some Sugar On Me recording session previously mentioned. I also attribute the beginning building of our friendship to shared musical tastes and memories. So many things we did together involved soundtracks--literally! I wish so much that I could still play some of those Kmart cassettes we made, but alas, most of them were eaten alive by the tape player. One time we decided to run away but of course before we could, we had to make a soundtrack for our adventure. It was entitled "Yo Slick, blow" (yes this was when BBD were popular). All the songs had a running/fleeing/escaping theme, and this was on it. (surprising that it doesnt put me in Dave, or rental car, but Ice Ice Baby is the song for that car...)
10. Seether - Veruca Salt
Putting together a Sauder tv stand with Biff in our apartment in Atlanta. Also eating pizza at the Mellow Mushroom with her and Corky (the other 109 favorite person resident)
and a bonus cuz it came on and made me laugh...
11. Every Little Step - Bobby Brown
Dancing in a beer slop covered fraternity basement. Why is it that I thought that was such a blast back then? I wonder how much it would take to get me to do that now...
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The power of a blog
Ok I wish I was saying that blogs had the power to bring chocolate into one's life from Dell as an apology for shitty tech support, but alas, I cannot.
Today we had a patient who made me realize how important what one says on a blog can be. When asked if she had ever had the scan before, or if her doctor had explained it to her she said no, but she knew what to expect because she read about it on someone's blog.
Apparently she just did a blog search on the word HIDA scan and read about people's experiences. Fortunately, she read some good ones, and basically knew what to expect. It got me curious so I just spent the last few hours searching blogs which mention Nuclear Medicine Scans. I have to say, it made me sad.
So many people have had bad experiences, and mostly it seemed that it was because the technologists (yes, that's what tech stands for, not technician) either were uncaring, or did not bother to adequately explain what the test was about.
I was amazed at how many people described what happened incorrectly. One woman who had a Nuclear Cardiac Stress Test said that the thallium that they gave her to stress her heart had bad side affects. Thallium doesnt stress a heart, all it does is allow us to take pictures of it. She most likely had either Adenosine or Persantine as the stress agent. The fact that she had no clue what medications were coursing through her veins is pretty scary!
I figured Id try and mention as much as I could about Nuclear Medicine tests, so if someone else tries to search blogs for info, they will hit on this site. And then they can get the true scoop
For those of you who dont know, I am a Nuclear Medicine Technologist. What makes nuc med different from the other imaging modalities is that we image how things work more than how things look. Usually people get injections of radioactive tracers (NOT dyes!) or they will take a radioactive iodine capsule or pill, or eat a meal that has a tracer in it. The scans are usually very long, and often have a delay in between.
Our most common scans are Bone Scans, HIDA scans (aka hepatobiliary scan), Gastric Emptying scans, Thyroid scans, MUGA (aka RVG) scans, and Cardiac Stress Tests. (usually done with Cardiolite). We do more but those are the biggies. We also do PET scans.
Alot of our patients have cancer and we help with staging. Many of the bone scans are for mets, but we also do a huge amount of bone scans for things like stress fractures or infection (osteomyelitis). A few years ago I needed a bone scan and was completely freaked out when I went to schedule it as the scheduler asked me if it was for staging or a recurrence of cancer. I was all "I DONT HAVE CANCER" and then the little voice that I shouldnt listen to said "what if the doctor secretly thinks I do and this is how she's finding out?" A ton of anxiety that was totally unnecessary if the test had just been explained correctly. If youre having any nuclear med test and we ask you if you have a history of cancer, it's just a standard question, dont freak out. It usually just means we take some extra pictures if you do, not that we think that you secretly have it.
And on the subject of extra pics- dont let those freak you out either. Sometimes we just need a different angle to prove something is normal, not that it's abnormal.
We also treat thyroid cancer. This is what I saw the most people complaining about on their blogs. Cancer is a scary word, and being told that youre radioactive and need to isolate yourself is overwhelming. Add to that the fact that you have to be off of your thyroid meds so you feel like youre walking through an ocean of jello and I can see how overwhelming the whole thing is, and how compassionate techs are so important.
Anyway, if youve googled or searched blogs and found me, please drop me a comment if you have any questions about an upcoming test. All the comments forward to my email and Ill happily let you know what to expect and answer any questions that I can.
Since it's Thursday Ill end this with a haiku or 4...
blogs can have power
people look for answers there
i hope this helps some
nuc med sounds scary
radioactivity
can be your friend too
mean techs should not work
being sick is hard enough
compassion is key
i love what I do
helping find symptoms answers
gives diagnosis
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I think Im being stalked by Dell?
So I was looking at my Site Meter thingie and saw that someone from Dell read my blog. My best guess is that they have some type of monitoring thing that checks out when people are talking about them
What Im curious about is why they didnt leave a comment? Shouldnt they apologize for their pitiful tech support or the fact that my 6 week old laptop is causing me enough stress to drive me to chocolate? (Ok I confess, it's not just the Dell issues driving me to chocolate, but they are definitely partly to blame.) I think they should send me a case of Take 5 (The best candybar EVER) to make up for my pain and suffering.
If anyone from Dell Computers is reading this post (yes, Ive used your name alot so you find this again) I want to say that I think if youre going to treat people like crap and then stalk them, that the least you can do is send chocolate.
I would also like to say that while Max was useless, he was a nice guy. He just needs to learn how time ones work. Yes, I said ones instead of zones because my z key sticks too and I have to slam it to make it work, and my pinky just isnt that strong. So yeah, make that 2 cases of chocolate to make me happy again.
Oh and Hawking router people, if you also stalk people who blog about you, I think chocolate would also help me feel better about you. Your tech said he'd call back in an hour after he screwed up my desktop trying to fix my laptop and that was 3 days ago. Good thing this isnt an emergency!
Sheesh, why do I have to get stalked by a crappy computer company? Why couldnt it be some hot successful cat loving man who likes to give me alot of space? (and who buys me Take 5, the BEST CANDY BAR EVER!)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Superstitions
So I've always been a bit superstitious. I think alot of this was inspired by my grandmother who always had her little superstitious rules. The one that sticks out in my mind mostly was the "if a bird craps on you, you should go gamble." This did in fact happen to me once! I was walking to class and *SPLAT*. I stopped and bought a scratch off ticket and won $5!! If that was true than other superstitions must be too!
Ok I never bought into the black cat thing- if I did, Id be screwed because I live with one who crosses my path daily. But I do avoid walking under ladders, I pick up lucky pennies, and I always toss spilled salt over my shoulder. In addition to these classics, I've been known to make up some of my own. One that I just was reminded of ( and what inspired this post) was that if I heard a Pat Benatar song while getting ready to go out, it would be a good night. Considering the local radio station where I went to college, WQMU (where the Nittany Lions roar) was obsessed with Pat and played her constantly, it was a usually a good bet.
Conversely, if I heard "Heartache Tonight" by the Eagles, I should just stay home. For like a week. In bed...with the covers over my head.... I dont know why, but whenever I heard this song on the radio, icky stuff happens. Fortunately, I havent heard it in a while. I dont think my current life could stand the extra curse.
I just saw a new commercial for Candies Vintage. If you click there, you can actually watch the commercial too! It made me smile because my immediate thought was "cool! good things will be happening!" I hope this holds true!
One good thing did happen. After Max called me at 1130 last night (better than 1am I guess) I did actually fall asleep again. Then without Max's assistance, I actually managed to get my laptop internet running again. The connection is still slow and crappy, but it's connected. Im going to be happy with that for now. Maybe over next weekend Ill spend another 14 hours with tech support to figure that out. Maybe not.
Another good thing is happening too. One of those mean people in my "mean people suck" post is going on vacation and I wont have to deal with her till next week. Hopefully in the time between now and then a fantastic opportunity will come up for her in another state and that would really make life good.
C'mon, Pat! Keep singing to me! What Id love to hear is "I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line, we live and learn from our mistakes, the deepest cuts are healed by faith..."
Monday, July 17, 2006
Well there goes 12 hours or so of my life that I can never get back
So over the last few weeks my 6 week old laptop's connection has become slower and slower. Yesterday morning, it stopped. My desktop which uses the same modem and router was fine. So I first tried doing the online chat with tech support from Dell. After being disconnected once, and blown off another, I had no choice but to call. The first girl I talked to was barely understandable. She made me do all sorts of stuff and then said to call my ISP. (um, did she not hear when I told her the desktop was fine and that when running a diagnostic test on the laptop it said the wireless called failed?) She says she will call me back in an hour. So fine, I call, just happy to get someone who spoke english with no accent. He was nice and appologetic.
Two hours later she hadnt called back yet, so I called again. This time I got "Max". He was a little bit easier to understand, but still useless. A few hours later he tells me to call the router people, he would call me back in an hour.
I call the router people, and they must have the same hiring pool as Dell. This guy manages now to not only NOT fix my laptop, but to screw up my desktop now too. No internet for me. It's now been almost 2 hours since Max and I hung up, and I am tired and cranky and decide to go to bed.
ONE AM the phone rings, yes, Max. I told him that it was 1 am and I had to be at work at 6. He appologized and said hed call back to day. Guess what- he hasnt. Does that mean I will be getting another 1 am call?
Anyway, I called the ISP support again and they are my friends. The girl fixed my desktop and now I am here again! The laptop is still fuct, but at least Im connected.
And I realize now that I am definitely an internet addict.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Friday Shuffle on Saturday
Well since I did my Thursday haiku post technically on friday, it seems acceptable to do my Friday Shuffle on Saturday.
Music has always played a big part in my life. And I dont mean that I am talented and play many instruments. I mean that my life has just one big soundtrack. Almost every song reminds me of a moment, and every era of my life reminds me of a song. So I figured for this shuffle, Id share some of my memories/thoughts to go with the songs. 
1. Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
This song reminds me of that movie, "Beautiful Girls". If you never saw, it, rent it. I think it was Natalie Portman's screen debut, and she's awesome in it. Lots of other great people in the cast, and too many great quotes and scenes. This song is in a scene where they are in the local town bar after they've all been togther for the first time in a long time for their HS reunion. They're all bonding and drinking and singing this song loudly and it just reminds me of some good friends and similar times. The town I went to college in had a main street that was referred to downtown during the day if you were shopping, and uptown at night if you were drinking. Never quite understood why it changed, or why one street could earn such a distinction but hey, it was a college town. There were lots of bars on this street and they all seemed to have their particular crowd they attracted. The first one, Sgro's, was not a bar usually frequented by the college crowd at all. This was one of those dark places where men sat on barstools and didnt talk to each other. I dont know why the college set never discovered it, because the drinks were cheap! A group of my friends and I did discover it. We would start our night off there at a small booth in the back near the jukebox, singing along and just enjoying each other. Good times...
2. Declaration - The Alarm
I babbled enough about The Alarm in my first post. The Alarm to me was always one of those bands that were mine. They werent mainstream, and somehow it made it feel like they were my special secret. I connected with their lyrics and I could never not feel better after listening to them. This is the first song on their first LP (yes, LP!) and it has a great feeling of building anticipation of great things yet to come.
3. Brian Wilson (Live) - Bare Naked Ladies
I used to work at Bath and Body Works, and that song was on one of those tapes that played over and over and over for months on end. Surpringly, I still like it. I saw BNL live once on City Hall Plaza in Boston and I have to say, without a doubt, they are one of the best live bands ever.
4. It's Probably Me - Sting
I love Sting. Ive seen him several times in my life but one of the most memorable was the time at Star Lake Ampitheatre which apparantly has also now changed names to a corporate sponsor name instead. Anyway, we had planned on getting lawn seats, but the day before the concert it had rained like a pig and we thought it might suck to be sitting in muck and decided to call just to see if there was any hope that there were some real seats left. Well apparantly we had good karma that week... They had just opened up more seats, and some were available in the third row. THIRD ROW! Oh My GOD! So we thought this rawked till we got there. Yeah, it wasnt the third row really. They added three rows IN FRONT OF THE FRONT ROW! So we were actually sitting in the -1st row! We could see the individual beads of sweat on his forehead, the vein bulging out in his neck, and visible panty if he had been wearing panties!! If you asked me who my favorite artist is, Id have to answer- "It's hard to say it, I hate to say it, but it's probably Sting." 
5. Sleep to Dream - Fiona Apple
I think this song must have shown up on shuffle as a nod to my insomnia. Actually, lying in bed like Brian Wilson prolly was too! Anyway, Fiona in general reminds me of an era in my life where I had a friend who I have since lost touch with. So if anyone out there knows Christina Lee, previously of Virginia Beach and Kansas, tell her to email me! 
6. The Beauty of the Rain - Dar Williams
Dar is an artist that a friend of mine during the same time as Christina Lee was in my life that Ive also lost touch with. Her name was Amanda Lipnack. She made me a mix tape (to give you an idea of how long ago this was) that was called "Songs that Make Me Smile". That tape enriched my musical tastes forever. I miss her, so if anyone knows her, she lived in the Westchester, PA area, have her email me too! Years later, Dar helped me build another friendship. I met a cool chick and we started hanging out, but I think one of the things that helped the friendship click was a similar taste in music. I loved this girl, we hung for a summer while she was on an internship in Baltimore and I was sad when she left. She is from Chapel Hill orignally, and when I moved here I got back in touch with her just to find out that she moved to Washington state. :( She is currrently working towards completing walking 60 miles to help support breast cancer research. If you have even just 5 dollars to spare, please follow this link and support her, and a great cause. And tell her to move back to NC when she's done walking because I miss her. 
7. Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy
Eva is one of the few things that remind me of Vermont that I still love. I was in one of the other few things I miss, the best Barnes and Nobles I've ever been to, and they were were playing her. Immediately I had to find out who she was and get the CD. That disc lived in my CD player pretty much the whole time I lived in VT. She's an amazing artist, go buy her stuff. Sadly, she died from metastatic melanoma and will be recording no more. The world really lost out when we lost her.
8. Girl Like You - Smithereens
One time I spend an evening dancing and hanging out with a cute boy who then walked me home and told me as he gave me a kiss goodnight that he had been looking for a girl like me. In a few days he started dating some other girl. I guess we're very similar. He was looking for a girl LIKE me, just not me.
9. Extraordinary - Liz Phair
"I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess. " Yup, fits me to a tee!
10. And So it Goes - Billy JoelWho would have thought Penn Station in NYC was not wheelchair accessable. Someday Ill tell this whole story. It was one of those days from hell but because I was with a great friend, we ended up laughing alot. We knew everything was going to be ok when this song came on. And then we went and recorded a rawkin version of Pour Some Sugar on Me with a cute guy from Boston. I am smiling like a dork as I type this and remember this day.
What a great deal of these songs apparantly remind me of is just how blessed I have been with good friends and great people in my life. I love that music helps me apprecite them.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Mean People Suck
So this moring driving to work I was on a quasi-happy buzz. I was reflecting on how my guardian angel was clearly looking out for me yesterday, as she has so many times in the past. I dont think I mentioned in my accident post that I was in the Left Turn Lane by accident. It was not the street I meant to turn on, but I found myself there anyway. By the time I realized it was the wrong road, nobody would let me over so I was stuck having to turn. (side note: while Raleighians are the nicest people to meet in person, they are NOT NICE when they are behind a wheel.) I realized that if I had been going straight like I meant to, there would have been a chance that one of those cars spinning out could have slammed into me. Or that some weeniewuss who was afraid to speak out would have been where I was and the poor girl driver could would have been fuct. Go Guardian Angel! She's done this for me before, but that doesnt fit the Mean People Suck title, so Ill blog on that another day. So I was thinking how swell she was, and thinking how at the end of the previous day at work someone who is normally bitchy to me was nice, and maybe things might be turning there, and thinking about the groovy appointment I had that Ill probably blog about another time too, and basically I was in a fairly happy place all things considering.
Well another friend of mine was anticipating a tough day today and I told her she could borrow my GA as long as she gave her back. I figured that Id been well taken care of the day before and so I was probably safe. Apparantly though she protects me from more than just car wrecks. She keeps mean people away from me.
Without going into details, today I was burried in mean people shit. (good thing Im used to wading in shit after the shit volcano experience!) It was one of those moments when you think to yourself "how is this possible? they cant REALLY be this mean, can they?" Unfortunately, yes, they can. And here is also where you pray that karma does exist, and is paying attention.
So here it is, 1am and Im awake. Perviserating on what happend today. You know I dont think that is the right word after I typed it, but I cant even think of what the right one is. So I have decided that it is a word now, and it means going over and over and over and over in my mind. I coined another word today too. It started as a typo but I left it because it fit better. Fidiculous. It obviously is short for fucking ridiculous.
Anyway, I couldnt blog earlier today because I was still all sorts of negative vibed and didnt want to bring that here. Im feeling slightly better, so I think that Emily (that's my GA's name) has come home to me. I hope she did for Amy what she clearly does for me whenever she is around. I will never take her for granted. My guardian angel RAWKS!
So to honor DixiePeach, Im going to attempt to end this with a Thursday Haiku, even though it is technically friday now, but it's still my thursday post.
mean people hurt me
what bug has crawled up their ass?
karma will prevail
angel Emily
she takes care of me when here
Im happy she's back
kitties are damn cute
please cast your sleeping spell now
i would like dreams soon
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I was a witness to an accident today...
And the part that was so disturbing was that I dont think the girl could have done anything to prevent it. It makes you realize that no matter how good of a driver you are, it only matters how bad others are. Her life for the next few weeks is going to suck. She's going to be sore as hell from the accident, her car is wrecked so she's going to have to either rely on others or have a rental (I hope insurance covers it) and I bet she's going to be pretty shook up from the whole thing for a while. I hope the other driver has good insurance. And I REALLY hope that he gets blamed completely.
I was in the left turn lane, 3rd car back. It was one of those lights that has a left turn arrow, but then the arrow goes away, not red, you know what I mean? We were at a time when there was no arrow, just green. For some unknown reason the guy 2 cars ahead of me decided to turn anyway, even though there was a car coming! I think I gasped almost as loudly as the crash was. It was like slow motion and I knew that there was no way he'd make it. If she had tried to swerve she would have gone right into oncoming traffic. She ended up Tboning him. His car was pretty bad. Her airbags deployed. She got out of the car and then just sat down and started crying. I felt so bad for her! It would have appeared to be her fault if you didnt see it actually happen but it was TOTALLY his fault! I could see him trying to say that he had the arrow and she ran the light. She was prolly about early 20's and I was so worried about how shook up she was I dont think either of them was hurt badly, thank God.
As soon as it happened I called 911 and lemmetellya, Go RPD! Fastest response time ever! I got out "Im at the corner of Duraleigh and..." and a cop pulled up. (Ok so he was prolly just in the area and lucked on the accident, because there was no way anyone called faster than I had) But it was funny, I interrupted myself and said "nevermind, an officer just pulled up!" I hope that if I ever need one of Raleigh's finest that the response is as quick (and the cop is as cute!)
Anyway, I asked the cop if he needed a witness because I wanted to make sure the girl didnt get screwed. The woman in the car in front of me did the same, and we corroborated each other's detail of the what happened. He took down my numbers so I suppose I could get called to testify or something if it ends up as a lawsuit or something, but most likely Ill never hear about it again I think. But I will happily stand up in court to say what happened. That schmuckass could have killed someone. I hope she gets a big fat settlement for her pain and stress.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
One (or 3) of my favorite patients ever...
was a 98 year old man who I had to do a cardiac scan on last fall. When I was reading his history I saw the reason his granddaughter brought him to the ER and had to laugh...
"Usually Mr. M is a quite cantankerous man, but lately he has become much more amiable. His granddaughter is concerned that this is a sign of something wrong"
The scary thing, she was right. He was having a massive heart attack. Not sure why this turned a cranky man nice, but hey whatever. Other than being a little hard of hearing he still had all of his mental facilities, and quite the sense of humor. I had a great time with him. I wondered if he was usually cantankerous to everyone, or just family because being "amiable" seemed to be something that came naturally.
Anyway, after 99 years of life, he moved on today. Not from another heart attack... he choked on a hot dog. (technically it was aspiration pneumonia as a result, but the hotdog was definitely the culprit) I have a feeling that he prolly chose to let go to at this time because he thought that was a much more fun way to go than some silly MI.
Rest in Peace Mr M.
Not to take away from him, but I was just thinking of another one of my favorite patients ever. This was a woman who worked for NASA during the first moon landing. She was the press PR contact. Now Im not pro-NASA by any means, (one day I'll do my rant on the space program and how I feel about billions of dollars being spent for spacecships when we have people homeless and without healthcare here...) but the fact that during that era, that a WOMAN had such an important position for what I suspect was a boys club at the time impresses the shit out of me.
I confess that I sometimes lie to patients. If they are boring or annoying I will tell them they cant talk at all during their scan. Sometimes this is true, but often it's not. Does this make me a bitch? I have to say though, I was so glad that I didnt tell this woman that. Her scan was almost 2 hours long and we talked the whole time and I was so disappointed when it was over.
One last cool patient just popped into my mind and then Ill stop. This guy was in his 80's and was talking about some trip he was on and mentioned working on his laptop during his layover. I think it's great that someone at that age embraced new technologies, as so many, even younger than he is, find it intimidating. He and I talked for about an hour and his accoplishments and stories were mindblowing.
Patients like these make me so sad that I have no grandparents left. I wonder if I can convince one of them to adopt me??
Monday, July 10, 2006
Shit volcanos and other disasters
Yes two posts back to back. I just need to vent a bit right now and here seemed like the best place to do it.
So over the weekend I was cleaning the little boxes and over flushed. My little boy has been having some health problems recently (it all started when he ate a broom and caused his bowels to bleed- not pretty) that has involved us needing to switch foods- a few times. This latest food causes LOTS OF SHIT. So I was being lazy and instead of doing a few flushes as I scooped I did it in one. And yes, it clogged.
Now I moved a little over a year ago, and when packing I decided to throw out the plunger I had rather than pack something with toilet cooties. They're cheap, no big deal. Yeah, no big deal till you need one and dont have one. So I of course called my mom. Who lives in New Jersey. Yeah, like she could do anything... Well what she could do is make a suggestion that created quite alot of amusement around here. We decided that I'd try a little vinegar and baking soda to bubble up and hopefully break up the shitblock. Do you remember the episode of the Brady Bunch where Peter made the volcano??
So that was fun. And the clog remained. The cute part though was Ringo Stu Kitty trying to help. He kept standing with his front paws on the toilet seat peering in and meowing at the water to go down. Unfortunately he doesnt have this power. (maybe I should have asked magical Seamus! Oh well didnt think of that...)
So that was Saturday. I decided to ignore it all day Sunday because that's one of my favorite ways of dealing with annoying shit. (no pun intended) The theory behind this was that the water would soften the shitblock over time and it would go away. Yeah, that didnt happen.
So today on the way home from work I bought a plunger. It was a newfangled plunger that I apparently didnt know how to use. I thought it had plunged successfully but OH HOW I WAS WRONG.
I flushed what I thought was a now unclogged toilet and guess what? Shit waterfall. Pouring and pouring and pouring WHEN WILL IT STOP???? Im ankle deep in shit water. Ringo Stu is in the hall meowing his head off "make it stop make it stop!" Im trying to calmly explain to him that that was exactly my goal without crying. And then KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Yeah, my downstairs neighbors. Twas raining shitwater through their ceiling. Fortunately I think the shitwater was diluted enough to not be quite so obvious what it was. I answered the door with the phrase "yes my toilet overflowed, yes it is now under control and I am cleaning it up". They are a bit jumpy after the "pipe bursting 2x in one night and pouring rain into their bedroom" incident back in March. He said emergency maintenance was on the way. I told him to cancel. I did figure out the newfangled plunger and now have a freely flushing toilet. I sopped up the inches of water and now have a load of laundry going.
Yes this was EXACTLY what I wanted to do on a Monday night.
You put your right paw in you put your right paw out...
So after living with my little boy for 10 years I learned this weekend that he has magical powers. I cant believe it's taken me this long! Here I always thought it was Ringo Stu who was the one with the powers, but apparently I had the wrong cat.
Ever since Ringo was a kitten, any time I had insomnia I'd ask him to cast a "kitty sleeping spell" on me. I figured since cats are such good sleepers that maybe he could pass some of that on to me. The cute part is that whenever I'd ask, he would do the same little ritual. I would lift up the blanket and he would walk under it, turn around and walk out partially so that his body would stay under the blanket and he would lay his head down on the pillow next to mine. He would then put his paws on my face and sigh. Usually I would fall asleep not too long after. (Ok, I confess I think it was the comfort of the cute cuddle that would settle my overactive brain down and that's what really did it, rather than actual magic powers.) Anyway, we've done this for years and I never thought to ask Seamus.
Saturday night I had insomnia pretty bad. After so much tossing and turning Ringo got fed up with me and ditched me. So I turned to Seamus and asked him if he could cast a kitty sleeping spell. Well he walked up from the foot of the bed and came up to the spare pillow next to me. He stood there and did the weirdest thing. He put his one paw forward, then back, then the other and back. I was wondering if he was doing the hokey pokey (that is what it's all about, afterall) but apparently this was his version of the spell. (either that or he was kneading the pillow, it was dark---nah, it was his spell!) After he did his hokey pokey move, he then laid down and started purring so loud and hard that it made my pillow even start to vibrate. I think I was asleep within 30 seconds.
Last night I was afraid of insomnia again, so as soon as I went to bed, I asked Little Boy for his kitty sleeping spell again. He did the same hokey pokey moves and purr combo and I was in dreamland before I realized it.
Who needs Ambien when you have a magical kitty!!
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Still a spinster
From Miriam-Webster Dictionary:
Spinster ('spin(t)-st&r)- noun an unmarried woman and especially one past the common age for marrying
So it's after midnight and I cant sleep again. I figured since I said I write when I have insomnia, here I am!
I ended the last entry with the comment about not finding a man I like as much as my cats so I thought that'd be a good place to pick up.
Not too long ago I read Curse of the Singles Table: A True Story of 1001 Nights Without Sex. No, this was not my autobiography, it just felt that way. (Without the pressures from the Jewish grandmothers) In this book Suzanne mentions how in your 20's youre single, but in your 30's youre suddenly "still single". I wanted to hug this woman for helping me see Im not the only one!
I often get the question "youre so great, why are you still single?" This is at least somewhat kind because there is a thinly veiled compliment in there, but what they mean is, "what's wrong with you that I didnt notice?" I feel like I have to often tell people I was engaged once, but called the wedding off just to prove that there was someone once somewhere who thought I was marriable. Some dont understand why I didnt go through with the wedding. My standard answers are that I realized I wanted to be married more than I wanted to marry him or that we had been dating for over 3 years and it seemed like the obvious next step to take but honestly that's not the basis for a happy marriage. Both of these are true. What's more true though is that I just didnt want to marry him. I pictured my future with him and it wasnt what I wanted.
Alot of people gave me kudos for my decision, tell me how strong I am for doing that blah blah blah. Those same people now are the ones who say "oh, so youre still single?"
Im not sure exactly why I am but I have a few theories. The big one is that I missed my window. I was with the ex fiance for almost 4 years and about 6 months after him got into another 3ish year relationship that didnt have a future. During those 7 years all the decent single men got scooped up.
I now have to wait for the second marriages. You know, the guys who married at 21 and they grew up and their wives grew up and they grew apart and realized that they werent in love. I can handle some baggage, like a carry on, but no full sets of luggage please. I thought maybe I could find the "I was busy working on my career but now Im ready to settle down" types, but I have yet to find one of those who really meant it. What they meant are "Im a dork and no woman wanted me so I worked alot so Id have an excuse for having no life".
Other theories I had were that I wasnt in a good place (physically, not emotionally) to meet men. I worked retail for a while, at Bath and Body Works (those men who came in there were either gay or shopping for girlfriends/wives; there was a tiny chance pre-mothers day I could have found someone, but we were too busy to notice) and then Gymboree (well, duh.) After that I went into outside business sales and I did meet some guys there and actually dated a fair amount. Except by this time that previously mentioned window was only cracked open. Most of the men I met were still single for a good reason, or 5+ years younger than me and not ready to settle down yet. Ok fine. So I went back to school after that for Nuclear Medicine, hey, maybe I can meet someone in the hospital! Yeah, no. I have yet to find a single employee there over the age of 30. And the patients- well they're sick and it seems unethical to try and seduce them. Last winter I did get asked out by a wonderfully funny, energetic, intelligent 92 year old man with advanced metastatic cancer. I was tempted honestly. He seemed like he'd be fun for a while, and then Id get an inheritance. Could be a good deal! But then I was too afraid of being compared to Anna Nicole Smith and decided she's not the ideal role model.
So yeah, Im still single. But the thing is, after being single for so long, and not even being in a serious relationship in several years, I am really comfortable with it. Probably too comfortable. I honestly cant picture changing my life as much as I would have to if I found a relationship. I come home and immediately change into pjs. I eat cereal for dinner. I go out with my friends whenever I want to (ok, well, whenever they are free because they have no plans with their men). If I dont feel like vacuuming until I realize that if a forensic team had to come in here theyd be screwed with the bevy of fibers theyd have to sort through and the crime would never be solved, then Im ok with that. I go DAYS (sometimes weeks in the winter) without shaving my legs. I sleep in the middle of the bed. And I have my cats who bring me more joy than any man ever has. (emotionally that is, Im not a perv or anything!) What more could a man bring into my life? (well yeah, that, but I could get that without a relationship)
You know that 3ish year relationship that I mentioned? I say 3ish because it's hard to define when we started and stopped. We began as friends, it moved to romance, and then the romance dwindled but the friendship remained. Sadly the friendship drifted over time too, and now he's married (actually to his old HS gf who he met again at his reunion, sweet story, eh?) and we havent spoken in eons. Anyway, he told me once that he never felt needed by me. I replied that while I didnt need him in my life, I wanted him there, wasnt that more important? Who wants a needy girl? He answered that it's nice to be needed.
I think this is probably the truth more than the window theory or the wrong place theory. I dont need a man. I guess cupid figured this out and gave up on me. His work is necessary for those who need it. Kinda like when the flu shots were on short supply, only those who needed them got them. Well decent men are in short supply and Im not immunocompromised.
Ergo, Im a spinster. At least I have my cats to make me laugh and keep me warm at night. So now that you have the scoop, please dont ask me why Im "still single".
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Baby Steps...and of course some babbling too
I learned something recently. Apparantly I am one of about 6 people left in this world who didnt have a blog. I figured since I have no real life that I wouldnt have anything worthwhile to put in a blog, so it really was not something I should bother with. But last night I was having some insomnia and my brain was on warp speed and I thought of at least a dozen topics that I could blog about. Of course I dont really remember them now, but if I just make a point of blogging when I have insomnia, I should do ok. Who knows if Ill ever update after today? It is possible though that I could actually learn to enjoy this and start doing it regularly. I'll see how it goes.
I used to journal extensively back in high school and college and I loved it. I found it really catharthic. Unfortunately, someone got a hold of my journal and read it and ruined it for me. I tried to start up several times after that and couldnt seem to do it. Maybe if I go into it with the intention and knowledge that this is for others to read, Ill start to enjoy it again.
I post on a small community website and find that Im often starting posts babbling about something or other that few others comment on or reply to and Im ok with that because there's another community I frequent that I do ALOT more reading than posting. I love to read what others have to say but dont really feel it necessary to reply usually. Partially because 14 other people have said what I thought, partially because how many times can you post a smiley face or LOL, or partly because I just dont feel safe putting my words up there. Maybe doing this will lessen my need for the random babblings at the one place- I can just do it here instead, because from what I gather, if you get comments on a blog, that's wicked cool, as opposed to if you do it on a message board, where if you dont get replies you tend to feel like people dont give a shit about what you said. Yeah yeah I know I just said a few sentences back that I didnt care, and I mostly dont. I know that there is a small piece of me though that wants my thoughts to somehow be validated. If youre reading this, Im pretty sure you get what I mean because youre a net person.
Im outside on my porch right now. I love it here. I have a view of trees. A bunny just hopped by, thankfully. I say thankfully because Ringo Stu Kitty wanted to cuddle and it's just a wee bit too hot for that outside. The bunny successfully distracted him. I have The Alarm playing through their website. They are a relatively obscure band who I love love love. If you dont know them, their style reminds me sorta of old U2. By old I mean Boy, October, War. Nothing later than that. From what Ive read, the Alarm had opened for U2 during that era, so that makes sense. I saw them in concert 3 times in my college years. Each time I pretty much had to bribe someone to go with me since they didnt know them at all. Actually, that's a lie. The first time I basically went alone. They were playing a free concert at my sister's college, Carnegie Mellon. If I remember correctly it was their spring carnival thing, I forget what it was called, all I know is it was a BIG DEAL. They did something called Buggy which was a BIGGER DEAL. I went to visit one year. I had a great time, but the best part was getting there and finding out that my favorite band was playing. My sister had never even heard of them, but someone she knew from the dorm or something was going so she shipped me off with them. It rawked. Up through the 80's/early 90's I owned everything they released, and then they broke up. Well I guess VH1 got them reunited and a new cd was just released. In the inbetween it seems they released a bunch of remasterd b-sides that had been only available in the UK (they're from Wales) and now I realize that I dont own close to their entire catalog. Im torn about what to do.
So that was a big fat tangent. What I was saying is that I love my porch. I love my cats who are out here with me. And they were the inspiration for the name of my blog. I am pretty close to being a crazy cat lady. I love my boys like my babies, and they are pretty much the center of my life. I'm a spinster, and the saddest part is I honestly am not sure if I could love a man as much as my boys. But that's a post for another day. I think I've babbled long enough for now anyway. Going to go play some mindless games and see if anyone's around to chat with...