Monday, March 29, 2010
Hit over the head with a memory
So I'm rereading This Charming Man by Marian Keyes, one of my favorite authors ever who does not deserve to be lumped in with other "chick lit" authors because she is so so much more.
This book is about Domestic Violence, although you don't see that till you're at least halfway through it. It chronicles the emotions that four women go through when a guy each of them has a history with becomes engaged.
The one character, Lola, was actually dating him at the time his engagement announcement was posted in the paper. She flees to a friend's cabin to spend some time alone to try and move past him.
As I am reading this, I realize I kinda hear a song playing in the back of my head... yes, you guessed it by the youtube video- it's "I Still Do" by the Cranberries.
And this song brings up some pretty heavy memories for me too.
Many many moons ago when I was with the guy who would eventually become my fiance but never my husband I came to the realization that he was not the right guy for me and that I should end it. I loved him, but I knew it wasn't meant to be. I broke up with him and played this song on repeat, sobbing over the lyrics-
Even though I have to.
I don't want to love you.
Oh, I still do. "
He tried, and succeeded to win me back. Was this a mistake? Hard to say. The relationship ended with me moving out the day he tried to hit me. Should I have gone with my gut and stayed broken up back when this song was making me cry? In hindsight, I honestly don't know. The fact that I was strong enough to get the hell out when it escalated makes me feel proud of myself. I learned a lot about myself in that time. And you know what? It was a LOT less painful to leave him that second time. Easy, in fact.
So I go with the whole "live and learn" philosophy. "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" fits here too.
Not sure where I'm going with this thought, I just felt the need to put it out there.
*also interesting tidbit in this book- there's someone named Desmond Hume in the book. Coincidence? She also makes one other Lost reference. I guess she's a fan! :)
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thanks for the book recommendation and the video. i love the cranberries but never heard that song before. we have a lot more in common than i realized, dahlin.... i hope we meet someday. :)
Good for you for getting clear and getting out. When my ex calmly stated he thought he could take me in a fight (he was WAY stronger than me), I knew it was time to go.