Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Not like before...
So back in jr high, high school and college I was a big journaler. I realized though that I really only wrote when I was blue. In fact, if one were to read those journals, one would think that I was the most depressed person on earth.
But the fact was that I didn't need to write when things were going well. I used that writing to get through the bad times. It worked for me.
Of course once someone did happen to read one it ruined it all for me. I never felt safe again putting those deepest, darkest emotions down on paper again.
When I first started this blog I mentioned that. And I said that if I wrote knowing people would read, that maybe I would be able to do some type of journal again, although this time it would be an online one.
If you have been a long time reader though, you have seen times when I don't write for a while. And you know what's going on during those times? Unlike my previous journaling life, those are not the times I'm happiest. Those are the tough times when I just can't bring myself to write here. I can't truly share my sadness with the blogosphere, so I just stay away.
So yeah, it's been a tough couple of weeks for me. I got my hopes raised for something amazing and then they were smashed and crumbled. It's really hard to keep having hope when stuff like that happens, you know? And everyone kept saying stuff like "it wasn't meant to be" or "something better will come along". But you know what? There's only so many times I can hear those platitudes before they drive me freaking nuts. Sometimes, it just sucks. Plain and simple.
I also had some anniversaries that caused some introspection.
None of this is stuff I really wanted to put out there in specific details.
But I felt like I should check in and say that I'm alive, I'm surviving, and I hope to get some hope back soon... I'd really love to have lots of happy stuff to write about.
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I wrote in a journal as a High Schooler and my mother read it. Now in my journals I wrote about stuff that never happened, but wished had, or wished I was brave enough to do or what have you. My mother was horrified - I was horrified. I told her most of the entries were stories, untruths mixed in with real life, but she didn't believe me. How could she, I had a very good imagination and I wanted to be a very bad girl. :)
I didn't write again for years and years. When I started my blog I knew it would be read, so I do edit my thoughts and feelings and rarely talk about problems.
I'm a "bright side of life" type of projectionist, so it works for me. I have two or three friends who are my therapists when I need to talk about the negatives. I hope you have what you need in your support system.
It sucks you didn't get what you want. Totally sucks. It sucks to have to start over. I'm so sorry to hear.
My mother read my journal, too. When she finally gave it back, I burned it and didn't write again for a long time. Being a mother, I can understand needing to dig a little to know your kid isn't into bad stuff. It probably would have been better if she just hadn't told me she read it.
About a year and a half ago, I started an online journal that is private, and that's where I do my vent writing. It's cathartic. I agree with you, Monica, that I don't want to use my blog for baring my negative emotions.
But I'm sorry that you've been going through some tough stuff. Let yourself feel the pain because you can grow from it, and also you don't really have any choice anyway. I'm here if you need an ear.
Good luck today!