Friday, March 06, 2009
Deep Thoughts
At the moment I am listening to the Indigo Girls on shuffle. Their song "Mystery" always makes me think. And I have yet to come up with the answers to their questions. But here's something to think about...So what is love then is it dictated or chosen?
Do we choose who we fall in love with? Or do the fates? I think it's a combination of both. The fates throw this person in our path, and we decide if that is the path we want to take. I think. Catch me on another day and my feelings might be different...
Does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years or is it just pop emotion?
And if it ever was here and it left does it mean it was never true?
I have had relationships where they started singing like the hymns of 1000 years and they burned out quickly, so how good is that really? Does that mean that it was just not the right person though? And wtf do they mean by pop emotion?
And the last one really makes me think... I would say I have been in love before. But if it did not last, does that mean it wasn't really true love but actually just strong infatuation? Now looking back, there were 3 men I have said "I love you" to, and another I believed I felt it for but I never said it. When trying to drum up emotions right now about 2 of those men I get...nothing.
Not even wistfulness nor a smile remembering happy times. Nothing. No anger for events that lead up to the ultimate demise of our relationship. Nada. So how could one go from having feelings that were actually labeled as love to having zero feelings? So does that mean that it was not actual love?
The third guy who I never said the words to I have nothing but happiness for the experience of spending those years with him. I wish nothing but happiness for his future. I have no desire for his future and mine to overlap though. I know he and I obviously must have had some bad times together but I can't really remember them. I am actually smiling right now remembering one road trip in particular that we took. We enjoyed going to cheesy tourist destinations together and I somewhere still have all the squished penny souvenirs that we made. My current emotion is the opposite of wistful, but I can't figure out what that word would be. But nothing like love left. So what does that mean? Did I actually love him and the love is over but because it did not crash and burn there is just a peacefulness left behind? Or did I not actually love him and just believed that I did?
The last guy I still say "I love you" to almost every night. Our relationship never really happened and shifted to friendship. And I know that the love for him that I carry is real, but it is also not the passionate kind. So that love was true, but was it when I said it to him as a man instead of as a friend?
So were all of these loves true at that time and at that place? Or was I just thinking I was in love but have yet to experience what the reality of it is?
But there is that law that energy cannot be created or destroyed only changed in form...
And since I have no feelings at all for most of them, what form did it change to? Or is it still inside me waiting for another?
All these crazy babbling thoughts just based on a song.
Maybe I need to start just listening to the music and ignoring the lyrics, eh?
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I used to sing "Super Freak" in the 80's and ponder what a super freak really was... it was a great song to rollerskate to no matter what I thought was a Super Freak. haha