Thursday, June 28, 2007
What a week...
So last Friday I flew to Nashville. My sister came down from NJ to stay with my kitty cats while I was away. My little boy LOVES his Aunt Michelle. Ringo...well, he loves that she feeds him. He does not like when she takes his picture. But all in all, they co-existed fairly well for the time I was gone.
While I was in Nashville I had an overwhelming time. I was there for a national convention for my sorority. I was both the alumnae delegate from the Triangle area as well as the representative for the Housing Corporation for the local collegiate house.
About ten years ago I was a national officer in this sorority. I've also acted as the alumnae delegate for Boston two times when I lived up there. I was active with the Baltimore and the Phoenix alumnae chapters when I lived in those cities. So in other words, I knew alot of peoples there. I now know even more. Going to these things are amazing. You start chatting with a random woman in the elevator and it's great. Everyone is so open and fun. It was awesome. My roommate was assigned to me, and she was the delgate from Charlotte. She rocks. My seat neighbor for the business meetings is a NC girl too, and she has now been elected to bigwig. I liked her and look forward to getting to know her better. Someone I worked with when I was an NO back in the day just moved last week to NC. There's another friendship I have an opportunity to rebuild.
When I was a freshman in college I pledged this sorority, and I have to admit, it was not the best experience. However after my freshman year I transfered to another school that also had a chapter and I fit in there. It was great! Now here I am, 20 years later, having met so many amazing women, and I also feel like I have had the opportunity to give back as well.
I met the cutest little girls from my chapter that I transfered to. They are working on rebuilding as they had some tough times in recent years. Hearing their enthusiasm made me have energy I haven't felt in years. I believe they will make it.
Anyway, my point is, there is something really fulfilling and energizing about being surrounded by 760 women all with a common bond and common goals. I met old and new friends and wherever I turned I received a smile. One of the saying we use in my sorority is "those who give much, receive much". I guess that's why I got so many smiles- I had one plastered on my face the whole time I was there.
Now another topic-
Many years ago I would say I was a pessimist. I did always find the worst possible scenarios. I was definitely a half empty glass kind of girl. And I'm not sure what did it, but I realized at one point that I was kinda miserable, and probably kinda miserable to be around. So I attempted to change my outlook. I think that for the most part I have managed that. I still have my negative moments, but I try to keep those few and far between.
This weekend I reconnected with a friend from AZ. This woman epitomizes pessimistic attitudes. She was so difficult to be around. I wonder how people can go through life like that. Then I met an old friend of hers and spent some time with this girl and found she's just as bad. It was exhausting. Then at the end of the weekend I was on the same flight as a few who were also at the convention. Now there were alot of things that weren't great with the time there. The hotel screwed up ALOT. In fact, the hotel basically sucked. But that's not what I walked away from the week with. In fact, I thought alot of it was laughable. And the last laughable moment was when they couldnt get the hotel shuttle to the airport to start and had to get a different one. But instead of finding this funny, these 2 women on my flight went on about how OF COURSE such a thing would happen since the hotel SUCKED.
I don't get it. What does one get from being so negative? I am so grateful that I had that awakening. Life is good. It has it's shit moments, but basically, those are just to appreciate the good ones more, and for comic relief.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Thinking of random people
So today someone who I wasn't that close to, and haven't thought of in years popped into my head. She was the freshman year roommate of a college friend of mine. We hung out in groups at times, but for the most part, we weren't close. However, one time we were listening to Nada Como el Sol by Sting and she translated Mariposa Libre. Today I heard Si Estamos Juntos on my ipod and that led me to think of the other songs from that CD, etc etc and then I thought of Carmen.
Which made me wonder if there are random people out there who have the same type of passing flashes of thoughts about me.
Tonight at dinner with my friend Sherry I ended up telling her a story about back at camp in forth grade this girl Ramona told everyone in the unit that another girl, Johanna, "Made a long doo-doo". So those are two other completely random, pretty insignificant people that I've known that I thought of.
So if others have random thoughts about me, I wonder what it is that makes them think of me. I wonder if I even remember them.
While sitting here writing this, it's made me think of many other people I knew briefly or randomly. Like that guy I sat next to on a flight once who was so darn cute. And the woman who was the manager of the store across the hall from me back when I was in retail. And an old coworker from my highschool job. I don't know if I really have a point. I just felt like sharing. I just hope that the smiles that i had when I thought of these people send some happy energy their way. And I hope that if people do have random fleeting thoughts of me that it makes them smile too.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Yesterday was my unniversary
Yes, you read that right. Not ANniversary but UN-niversary! 9 years ago on June 6th I was supposed to get married. I had the dress, the hotel for the reception booked, flowers planned, dj and limo booked, and then the day before we were supposed to order the bridesmaid dresses I called it off. I figured if I wasn't sure, I shouldn't make my friends risk losing that money on dresses they would never wear.
It was a tough decision, but the best I have ever made.
And so every year I acknowledge my unniversary as the date that I saved my life. I realized that I was better off alone than I was being in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Of course I'm not alone, I am 5 cats shy of being a crazy cat lady! But I'm happy and that's all that matters!
UNniversary
9 years past what wasn't
I made the right choice
I am 5 cats shy
not quite crazy cat chick
2 are good for me!
Monday, June 04, 2007
25 years ago today
It amazes me that it has been this long. Basically, 2/3 of my life has gone by. I still remember details of that day perfectly.
My mom was a girl scout leader still, even though I had aged out of the troop. She was taking her troop camping and a friend of mine and I were going along to help out. I was SO excited! We actually got permission to leave school early for this. I thought this was going to be a great weekend. So when it was time to leave we went out to the parking lot and instead of my mom like we expected, my father was there. I thought that seemed weird, but I figured she must have had some last minute running around to do so that's why he came. We got in the car and he said "you're not going". I told my friend he was joking, that of course we are. He replied "No, you're not going". I still disagreed and asserted that it was just a cruel joke. He then said "You're not going because your grandmother is dead". Just like that. One of the most important people in my life, and he said it just like that. At that moment I really still did not believe it could be true, and was mostly embarrassed for my friend to have seen him be such a dickhead. He brought her home to her house and then dropped me off at my grandmother's apartment.
I walked up the stairs and the first person I saw was my Aunt Helen. She is my Uncle Tom's wife, and a nurse, and she was a great support to my mom throughout my gramma's cancer. She handed me a glass of water.
I still think of that moment as one of the kindest things anyone has ever done. It sounds lame to say "someone handing me water" ranks up there, but it made a huge difference. There were so many people there, it was overwhelming, but she noticed ME, and did the only thing she could think of to acknowledge that I needed *something*. I guess it's too hard to explain, but trust me, it mattered. I then went into the front bedroom which we always called "Pop-pop's bedroom". It wasn't his, he would nap in there sometimes because it was farther away from noise, but really it was just the spare room. We played in there alot. We would play make believe games, we had a store, a school... you know what I mean. I guess I wanted to be there because it was not real in there. My cousin Colleen was in there. She is the oldest of the 13 grandkids and therefore had the opportunity to spend the most time with the most wonderful woman in our family. Hell, they even went on a trip to Hawaii together to visit my Uncle Mike. That was the first time I cried, was in that front room with Colleen.
My gramma was sick for a while. She had bladder cancer. I was in junior high, so I was old enough to know what was going on, but young enough to not really grasp the seriousness of it. I truly did not think she would leave us. Even in 1982 when cancer was pretty much a death sentence, I figured she'd end up ok. How could she not? She was one of the most important people in my life.
Most of my childhood memories involve her. We lived in the same town, and she and my mom were very close, so we were there ALL THE TIME. In fact, I know her apartment so well that I still am there consistently in my dreams. I can still describe it in great detail because I never really left it. Often in my nightmares I go there to be safe. And that's what she was to me- safe.
One of my most special memories of her was when my father's father died. I never was close to him. He did not speak English and was kind of a nutcase. (he had a good reason- he did time in a concentration camp back in Poland) Anyway, he bascially scared me. When I was in fifth grade he died. And while the rest of the family was dealing with that, I rode my bicycle over to my grammas house. We watched West Side Story on tv together. And I cried to her explaining that I felt like I should cry because my grandfather died, but I did not feel anything except for guilt for not feeling anything. Somehow, she made me feel ok about it. She could do that.
Last night my sister and I were IMing about it. She pointed out that she is currently the same age that my mother was when we lost her. That freaks me out. I cannot believe that. That terrifies me. I am very tight with my mom, and knowing how tight she was with hers, it really hits home how bad it is for her still. If I still am not over the grief of losing her, then how can she be even close?
But I guess I'm just going to focus on the fact that for 13 years of my life I had one of the most wonderful supportive people who loved me. I believe got my sense of humor from her. And that I got my sarcasm and smartassitute from her. I also like to think that I got some strength from her. I know I got much peace and love from her.
So Gramma, I miss you. I hope that you're happy where you are, and that you still look down on us and smile. And when it's pouring rain you remember us singing "zippadeedodah, zippadeeay my oh my what a yucky day, plenty of rain heading our way, zippadeedoodah zippadeeay!"