Sunday, July 09, 2006
Still a spinster
From Miriam-Webster Dictionary:
Spinster ('spin(t)-st&r)- noun an unmarried woman and especially one past the common age for marrying
So it's after midnight and I cant sleep again. I figured since I said I write when I have insomnia, here I am!
I ended the last entry with the comment about not finding a man I like as much as my cats so I thought that'd be a good place to pick up.
Not too long ago I read Curse of the Singles Table: A True Story of 1001 Nights Without Sex. No, this was not my autobiography, it just felt that way. (Without the pressures from the Jewish grandmothers) In this book Suzanne mentions how in your 20's youre single, but in your 30's youre suddenly "still single". I wanted to hug this woman for helping me see Im not the only one!
I often get the question "youre so great, why are you still single?" This is at least somewhat kind because there is a thinly veiled compliment in there, but what they mean is, "what's wrong with you that I didnt notice?" I feel like I have to often tell people I was engaged once, but called the wedding off just to prove that there was someone once somewhere who thought I was marriable. Some dont understand why I didnt go through with the wedding. My standard answers are that I realized I wanted to be married more than I wanted to marry him or that we had been dating for over 3 years and it seemed like the obvious next step to take but honestly that's not the basis for a happy marriage. Both of these are true. What's more true though is that I just didnt want to marry him. I pictured my future with him and it wasnt what I wanted.
Alot of people gave me kudos for my decision, tell me how strong I am for doing that blah blah blah. Those same people now are the ones who say "oh, so youre still single?"
Im not sure exactly why I am but I have a few theories. The big one is that I missed my window. I was with the ex fiance for almost 4 years and about 6 months after him got into another 3ish year relationship that didnt have a future. During those 7 years all the decent single men got scooped up.
I now have to wait for the second marriages. You know, the guys who married at 21 and they grew up and their wives grew up and they grew apart and realized that they werent in love. I can handle some baggage, like a carry on, but no full sets of luggage please. I thought maybe I could find the "I was busy working on my career but now Im ready to settle down" types, but I have yet to find one of those who really meant it. What they meant are "Im a dork and no woman wanted me so I worked alot so Id have an excuse for having no life".
Other theories I had were that I wasnt in a good place (physically, not emotionally) to meet men. I worked retail for a while, at Bath and Body Works (those men who came in there were either gay or shopping for girlfriends/wives; there was a tiny chance pre-mothers day I could have found someone, but we were too busy to notice) and then Gymboree (well, duh.) After that I went into outside business sales and I did meet some guys there and actually dated a fair amount. Except by this time that previously mentioned window was only cracked open. Most of the men I met were still single for a good reason, or 5+ years younger than me and not ready to settle down yet. Ok fine. So I went back to school after that for Nuclear Medicine, hey, maybe I can meet someone in the hospital! Yeah, no. I have yet to find a single employee there over the age of 30. And the patients- well they're sick and it seems unethical to try and seduce them. Last winter I did get asked out by a wonderfully funny, energetic, intelligent 92 year old man with advanced metastatic cancer. I was tempted honestly. He seemed like he'd be fun for a while, and then Id get an inheritance. Could be a good deal! But then I was too afraid of being compared to Anna Nicole Smith and decided she's not the ideal role model.
So yeah, Im still single. But the thing is, after being single for so long, and not even being in a serious relationship in several years, I am really comfortable with it. Probably too comfortable. I honestly cant picture changing my life as much as I would have to if I found a relationship. I come home and immediately change into pjs. I eat cereal for dinner. I go out with my friends whenever I want to (ok, well, whenever they are free because they have no plans with their men). If I dont feel like vacuuming until I realize that if a forensic team had to come in here theyd be screwed with the bevy of fibers theyd have to sort through and the crime would never be solved, then Im ok with that. I go DAYS (sometimes weeks in the winter) without shaving my legs. I sleep in the middle of the bed. And I have my cats who bring me more joy than any man ever has. (emotionally that is, Im not a perv or anything!) What more could a man bring into my life? (well yeah, that, but I could get that without a relationship)
You know that 3ish year relationship that I mentioned? I say 3ish because it's hard to define when we started and stopped. We began as friends, it moved to romance, and then the romance dwindled but the friendship remained. Sadly the friendship drifted over time too, and now he's married (actually to his old HS gf who he met again at his reunion, sweet story, eh?) and we havent spoken in eons. Anyway, he told me once that he never felt needed by me. I replied that while I didnt need him in my life, I wanted him there, wasnt that more important? Who wants a needy girl? He answered that it's nice to be needed.
I think this is probably the truth more than the window theory or the wrong place theory. I dont need a man. I guess cupid figured this out and gave up on me. His work is necessary for those who need it. Kinda like when the flu shots were on short supply, only those who needed them got them. Well decent men are in short supply and Im not immunocompromised.
Ergo, Im a spinster. At least I have my cats to make me laugh and keep me warm at night. So now that you have the scoop, please dont ask me why Im "still single".
Read or Post a Comment
Oh shit! Did I ask you that last night? I hope not!!
Truthfully, I envy your freedom and how you get yourself.
Now you KNOW Raphael said this "spinster" phase (as you call it) will end soon. Why would he lie?
Cuz I was paying him money and that's what he thought I wanted to hear?
And dong worry T, you didnt ask me :) And Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...